1 Year Ago Today…

Friends, today is a big day for me.

Exactly one year ago today, I was taken to the hospital. For the second time.

Exactly one year ago today, I was writing suicide notes to my family and friends, making sure I covered my bases so no one would feel as though it was their fault. I was locked in my room, a bottle of pills by the side of my bed, writing my little heart out, trying to get done with all the letters I needed to write before someone noticed.

Exactly one year ago today, I was blacked out on a curb, not caring if I drank too much because I knew I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Exactly one year ago today, I was on a medication that was increasing my manic behavior; I was inconsistently dependent upon the very thing that made me feel inhuman. I was bloody-knuckled, bruised fist, scarred arms, and smoked cigars. I was skipped meals, running scared, and running mad.

Exactly one year ago today, my spark was dying out, and I was attempting to fuel it with whatever I thought might re-ignite whatever fire I had left in me.

Exactly one year ago today, I was taken to the hospital. For the second time.

Fully hospitalized. Belongings locked up. Strings removed from my hoodies. Asking permission for snacks, asking permission to have access to my book, asking permission to have access to my journal and pencil. An hour a day dedicated to visitation hours.

A year later, I am still here. It has been a turbulent ride. It has been a year full extreme highs and devastating lows. It has been a year of broken hearts and broken pieces. It has been desperately trying to find the person I always wanted to be. A year full of rebuilding, both myself and the fractured structures that were demolished in the wake of my destruction.

It has been a year of trying to feel whole again.

A year ago today, if you asked me who I was, I would tell you, “Nobody.” I despised everything about myself. I cringed at the extent to which I was hurting people I cared about. I was disgusted at my own inability to take care of myself, my loved ones, and the world around me. I would tell you I wasn’t worth it. That I was wasted space. That my story was reaching its final chapters, and thank whatever deity there may be that it was.

Ask me today who I am, and I will tell you, “Worthy.” I am worthy of love, of forgiveness, of joy, of success. I am worthy of the world. I deserve to feel whole. I am lovely and magnificent, and I am light. I will tell you that my broken pieces are healing. That I am healing and I am capable of feeling whole again. I will tell you that there have been days where I have never felt more complete, surrounded by chasers of storms who love the hurricanes living inside me. Ask me today, and I will tell you that even my “crazy” is deserving of love.

Ask me today what I am, and I will tell you, “Alive.” Brilliantly, unapologetically alive. I am a pulse that never faded away. A fire that never burnt out. A heart that’s still beating.

 

You will have days, all of you, where this life feels like too much. Days when the storms inside you feel too big. Days where you feel too small. Where you feel too weak. Days where you feel that you are not enough. Where you feel that you are not deserving. Days where you feel you are not worthy.

On those days, the worst of days where your demons feel larger than life itself and the deck feels stacked against you, I beg that you remember you are deserving.

I will say it again for those in the back:

You. Are. Deserving.

Of happiness. Of peace. Of love. Of acceptance. Of hope.

Of life. 

They will tell you, time and time again, that it will get better… I know some days the promise of a brighter future will not feel like enough. Some days, you may feel like nothing more than a vessel full of broken pieces. Some days, the rattling of all those broken bits will be too loud, and the promise of a better tomorrow will be lost in the sea of voices telling you that you are not enough.

This life, like you, is perfectly imperfect. It is light and dark, good and bad, whole and broken, healing and pain. But it is these things combined that make a life a life. We are the combination of our messiest and most pristine parts. Without setbacks, we become stagnant. Without failure, we become complacent. Without pain, we become unfeeling. We are built to break, and to come back stronger than before. We are designed to find meaning in our suffering, and turn it into hope.

This life, like us, is worthwhile even at its messiest.

So on the days when the promise of a better tomorrow feels almost as empty as you do, I ask that you remember that you are deserving. You are deserving of a chance to see brighter days. Deserving of an opportunity to build palaces from the ruins of the foundations you felt crumbling down around you, and you, you are deserving of the spoils of war that come on the days that promise feels true.

Because there will be days where that promise feels like a truth you could build the rest of your life around.

And you are deserving of those days.

I will not tell you that it will be easy, but I will tell you that days like today make the fight feel worth it. Days like today make you realize just how far you have come, and how far you still have left to go, and you, my dear friends, are deserving of that satisfaction.

You, my loves, have hearts worth loving and dreams worth chasing.

You have a story worth telling, and you deserve to be here to tell it.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. anonymous says:

    Congrats! I am two years post hospitalization in a psychiatric ward on April 24. It is really hard to talk about but I understand what is happening. I don’t know about you but I had nightmares post hospital for weeks. Good luck finishing up your semester!!!

    Like

  2. Mom says:

    And you must know that no matter how many notes you wrote to try to convince us that it’s not our fault, we as human beings, as your parents would have lived with horrible remorse regret.
    For anyone suffering there is not enough ways for loved ones to show their love or to make you feel worthy. But let me tell you, you are not battling this alone, those loved ones are suffering too and they too deserve to celebrate you and your worthiness. I celebrate with a happy heart knowing my daughter fought that horrible battle and I celebrate that she is reaching out to others and I pray that they all know…
    You were placed on this earth for a purpose, live the life fight the fight and be you. I’m praying for each of you and celebrating every day you choose life.

    Like

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